Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
