Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
