to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
