Just fell off a train. Bad.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
