Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
