And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
