I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
