can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
3 2 1 whiskey
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
