you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
