Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The uberlube is also flammable
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
