I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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