she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
