Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
