I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
