Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
