Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
