I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.