We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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