I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
