i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
