Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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