saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
