This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
