there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
no you cant smoke seaweed
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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