Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof