hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.