Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights