you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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