My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
COCAINE IS GR8
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize