dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
