our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you inspire me to be a worse person
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Two words: nipple clamps
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