I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
