I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
