thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
