Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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