We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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