He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dignity is for republicans.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
