I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
