Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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