woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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