a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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