I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
