He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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