Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
