My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
