Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
