Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
