so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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