So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
