I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
