Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
