Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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