My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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