I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
