ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
