i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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