My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
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You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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