I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
