I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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