What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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