I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
