im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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