Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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