I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
